Most, if not all of you reading this review have been to at
least one horror convention in your lives (and please
don’t try to insult my intelligence by disputing this
fact).  While there, you always notice that one table,
usually far off in a corner somewhere, well enough away from
the other dealers that it doesn’t raise any complaints.
You know the one, always swarmed by guys, snapping away
pictures of the hot young things sitting there.  You may
have even gone over to said table and seen what all of the
fuss was about.  Usually it’s a DVD (or VHS if they’re
playing up that retro appeal) with some sweet looking scream
queen on the cover, promising to be the most hardcore film
you have ever seen.  The price is always fairly steep,
leading you to believe that you’re paying for the
privilege of watching high quality sexploitation gold.  But
when you get home from the convention, usually after driving
hours and hours, you are treated to the biggest piece of
shit you’ve ever been subjected to.  The acting is crap,
the camerawork blows, and none of the really hot scenes (or
for that matter girls) on the cover are even in the film.
You got duped!  Well, in Bill Zebub’s newest masterpiece,
Assmonster, we are treated to a spoof of this horrific
practice.
        When Bill (Zebub himself) is given a film by self-described
auteur Lou Cipher (Freddie Dingo) to review for his
magazine, he thinks it’s going to be a non-stop boob fest.
 Actually, it’s a non-senseical piece of crap that any
idiot with a camera could have made a better version of.  So
Bill, along with his two buddies, set out to make their own
sex flick to sell at conventions for thirty bucks a pop.
And this is where the hilariousness that is independent
filmmaking kicks in.  There are girls who want to be paid
more than their limited acting is worth, girls who don’t
want to get naked even though the script calls for it, girls
that bring their jealous boyfriends onto the set, but all of
that is just icing on the cake.  He also has to deal with
insane camera people, a general lack of filmmaking knowledge
on his own part, and a host of other problems.
        What makes this a truly great film is that fact that a good
percentage of us have actually attempted to make our own
films and run in to problems of this nature on a frequent
basis.  Somehow watching this really makes you feel
vindicated about all of the shit you went through while
trying to produce that script you wrote right after dropping
out of college.  Of course, Bill Zebub has his usual cast of
fiends along for the ride, and if you’re a familiar to his
brand of off the wall horror, you’re sure to recognize
many of the actors.  And it still amazes me that he’s able
to get some of these good-looking babes to get naked for
him.  I guess there really is something to the stories about
there being something in the water in New Jersey!
        Whether you’re a first timer to a Zebub production, or a
seasoned sociopath who just happens to find a long lost
friend in Bill, Assmonster is sure to win you over.  This
blend of quirky humor, biting satire, and in your face
honesty just can’t be faked.  Screw Hollywood, New Jersey
is the new Mecca of up and coming cinema.